The UberSprayer 2005
by Kalvin
Summary: Find out what the Uber-Sprayer 2005 is and why Calvin will stop at nothing to get it! Critics welcome!


INT. CALVIN'S BEDROOM  
  
{Calvin is on floor with scissors cutting up newspaper in front of window. Hobbes comes up from behind}  
  
HOBBES: What are you doing?  
  
CALVIN: I'm making Dad a Father's Day present.  
  
HOBBES: It's Father's Day already? I thought we just had New Year's.  
  
CALVIN: Mom says Father's Day is 5 months away, which is about how long his present is gonna take me...  
  
HOBBES: What are you making?  
  
CALVIN: Okay I'll tell you but you have to promise to keep it a secret. I'm throwing Dad a ticker-tape parade! These paper strips I'm cutting from the newspaper should make for a great parade! When he comes up the sidewalk from fetching the newspaper on Father's Day morning I'm throwing 5 months worth of paper strips on him from this window!! I can't wait!  
  
HOBBES: How much is 5 months worth of paper?  
  
CALVIN: Well my earlier expert calculations came to approximately 3.5 tons. I estimate roughly half the volume of this room will be filled with Calvin- Confetti.  
  
HOBBES: Half this room will be full? Your bed will be covered. Where will you sleep?  
  
CALVIN: That's the best part! Can you imagine anything more comfortable than 3 tons of confetti to sleep on? And you and I get to have confetti fights for the next 5 months!! HA HA!  
  
HOBBES: Hmmm...did your Mom say this was okay?  
  
CALVIN: It was her idea! My birthday isn't too long after Father's Day, so I knew I needed a good bribe gift for Dad then. I asked Mom what I should get him, and she suggested I should use the newspaper she throws away every day to make him something!! She's going to be so happy when she sees the front yard on Father's Day! HA! Don't tell her what I'm making though, I want it to be a surprise!  
  
HOBBES: ...Well then what are you getting your Mom for Mother's Day?  
  
CALVIN: That's all worked out. The sitter is coming on Mother's Day to watch us so that Mom and Dad can go out, and for Mother's Day I told her I would behave myself that night. So Hobbes, it'll be your turn to torture the baby-sitter.  
  
HOBBES: HA! I'll bet she's delicious!!  
  
CALVIN: No, don't eat her, we need her alive to warn the next baby-sitter away.  
  
HOBBES: I can't eat her!? Look, once I go into Tiger-frenzy I make no guarantees.  
  
CALVIN: I'll have plenty of tuna ready to curb your appetite, okay? Now help me with this newspaper. Here, start cutting this pile over... {Calvin looks at one of the newspaper ads}  
  
CALVIN:...HOBBES!!! HOBBES LOOK AT THIS!! {newspaper shows ad for product called UBER-SPRAYER 2005, a giant plastic rifle spray-gun with super high-power pump-action and water-grenade launcher. Comes with marksman scope, body sling, sniper tripod, machine-gun setting and "laser-guide technology". Batteries not included. Retail Price $29.95 at KIDS-"N"-TOYS INC.}  
  
HOBBES: Hey, that's what your Dad can get you for your birthday! Your plan is working out! Now all you...Calvin? Calvin? Calvin! Cal...  
  
{CUT TO CALVIN SMILING, STARING INTO SPACE. HARPS PLAY, DREAM SEQUENCE BEGINS WITH CALVIN STANDING IN SNOWY YARD HOLDING UBER-SPRAYER 2005}  
  
DREAM SEQUENCE FADE-IN CALVIN: Oh boy! It's a snow day, school is canceled, and I have the Uber- Sprayer 2005. Can things be anymore perfect?  
  
{Just then Susie comes skipping down street with group of friends}  
  
SUSIE: Look everybody it's Calvin! What are you doing with a squirt-gun in the middle of January stupid?? You look like the Termi-loser!! HA HA HA HA HA!!! ...Hey, don't point that thing at me! What are you...  
  
{Calvin sprays Susie into a giant ice-cube, freezing her in mid-yell}  
  
SUSIE'S FRIENDS: {POINTING AND LAUGHING AT SUSIE} HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!!!!!!  
  
FRIEND #1: LOOK, IT'S A SUZIE-CUBE!  
  
FRIEND #2: HA! HA! I'LL BET SHE TASTES GREAT IN GINGER-ALE WITH A SLICE OF LIME!  
  
FRIEND #3: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD EVER!! LET'S HEAR IT FOR CALVIN! EVERYBODY! CAL-VIN! CAL-VIN! CAL-VIN! CAL-VIN!  
  
{SUSIE'S FRIENDS PARADE WITH SMILING-CALVIN ON SHOULDERS DOWN STREET IN CELEBRATION CHANTING CALVIN'S NAME} SUSIE'S FRIENDS: CAL-VIN! CAL-VIN! CAL...  
  
DREAM SEQUENCE FADE-OUT HOBBES: ...VIN! CALVIN! CALVIN YOU'RE DREAM-SEQUENCING!! CALVIN SNAP OUT OF IT!  
  
CALVIN: (SNAPPING OUT OF IT AND GRABBING HOBBES BY COLLAR) HOBBES!! I CAN'T WAIT TIL MY BIRTHDAY! I NEED THAT UBER-SPRAYER 2005 RIGHT NOW! DO YOU HEAR ME HOBBES? NOW!!!  
  
HOBBES: ...Okay, number one, you need a breath mint. Number two, you're grabbing me by the collar. I'm not wearing a collar, and if I did I can assure you that anyone grabbing it would be tiger-meat. Also note when you grab a tiger in this fashion, your hands become occupied, and your soft boy- ish under-belly is vulnerable to disembowelment via tiger-claws. Plus your fragile imp-ish face is open to being savagely bitten off. Now, you were saying??  
  
{CALVIN LETS GO WITH COWARDLY GRIN}  
  
END OF SCENE ONE  
  
START SCENE TWO  
  
{SCENE OPENS WITH CALVIN IN CLASSROOM}  
  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) I've gotta find a way to get $29.95 for that Uber- Sprayer. Mom and Dad both said I've gotta wait till my birthday. Hey! I think I heard somewhere that people sell their kidneys for money sometimes! I wonder how much I could get for mine? I bet at least 10 bucks! So how do I get my kidney out? Hey I'll ask Miss Wormwood! She'll know for sure! (Calvin raises hand)  
  
MISS WORMWOOD: Calvin, for the last time, I'm not giving you $29.95 to shove a pencil up your nose, I'm not telling you how to become a mercenary for hire no matter HOW bad you need the money, and whatever question you have next the answer is no!! Now everyone flip to page 95 in your textbooks...  
  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) Textbooks...I wonder what is the street value of these textbooks...  
  
MISS WORMWOOD: Now class today's discussion will be about journalism in newspaper and television.  
  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) Television! I'll sell our TV! No, wait, I need that...  
  
MISS WORMWOOD: ...And in the interest of education I'm announcing a contest to see who can enter the best journalistic article for our school paper!  
  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) The school paper! I could masquerade as editor-in- chief and go door-to-door selling phony advertising space!  
  
MISS WORMWOOD: And the winner of the contest will be awarded a $30.00 shopping spree at KIDS-"N"-TOYS!  
  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) KIDS-"N"-TOYS! I could quit school and get a job there and probably make the money in no time!  
  
END OF SCENE TWO  
  
START SCENE THREE  
  
{FADE IN: CALVIN AT DINNER TABLE TALKING TO MOM AND DAD}  
  
CALVIN: ...And then I come to find out there's a contest for whoever in my class can come up with the best article for the school paper! The prize is a $30.00 gift certificate at KIND-"N"-TOYS! So here's my plan: I figure in today's society what sells best in ANY media is the degradation and humiliation of public figures. So as I'm looking around in class to see who needs to be brought down a notch as the subject of my ultimately winning article, low and behold there's Susie Derkins raising her hand for every question, sucking up to Miss Wormwood every chance she gets! Who does she think she is with all of her high grades, always doing her homework, always showing up to class on time, always washing her hands and stuff? So then the idea comes to me! I'm calling my brilliant story "The Dirt on Derkins"! Once I get Susie's dirty laundry, this award-winning article will write itself! HA HA!  
  
DAD: Calvin how many times do we have to keep telling you that you are not permitted to clandestinely destroy neighboring children's lives?  
  
CALVIN: But Dad, this is in the interest of higher education! I promise this is the last time I'll destroy anyone!  
  
MOM: Calvin the answer is no. You will come up with another subject for your article young man. Why do we have to keep telling you to leave Susie alone? We had this discussion last time when you tried to use our credit card to hire a private-eye to spy on Susie! Now pipe down and finish your dinner, or we just might sic that private-eye on YOU!  
  
{CALVIN SKIPS A BEAT, LOOKING AT CAMERA}  
  
{SCENE CHANGES TO INT. PRIVATE-EYE OFFICE. CALVIN'S ALTER EGO TRACER BULLET SHOWN LEANING BACK ON CHAIR, HANDS BEHIND HEAD, FEET ON DESK}  
  
TRACER: This dame couldn't cook her way out of a wet paper bag, but she gave me an idea. A private-eye might be just what's needed to crack this Derkin's story.  
...Name's Bullet. Tracer Bullet. At least that's what it says on my door. I was sitting in my office at Six pm in the naked city washing down another bad meal with cheap whiskey and bad conversation, wondering when the next paycheck was gonna walk through my door, when she came in like she owned the place.  
  
MOM: CALVIN! GET YOUR FEET OFF THE TABLE AND SIT UP STRAIGHT!  
  
CALVIN: (Still kicking back) Good manners will cost you extra, toots.  
  
{SCENE CHANGES AGAIN TO CHEAP HOTEL ROOM INTERIOR. TRACER BULLET IS KICKING BACK ON BED}  
  
TRACER: I decided to lay low for awhile at the local roach-hole. Room fare was courtesy of a crazy dame with no sense of humor and a mean streak. I didn't like cabbage rolls anyway. The kind of cabbage I needed was made out of green paper with pictures of dead presidents on it. And the only way I was gonna get that kind of cabbage was to crack this Derkin's Case.  
...Some things didn't add up. Why does this Derkins broad always obey her elders? What's her angle? Is she on the take? In ca-hoots with the local mob? There was only one way to find out. I'll lay low for the night, and then come morning it's time for a stake-out at the Derkin's place. Will she be there on a Saturday? Hard telling, but I do know one thing. I'm starving. I could even eat a cabbage roll. Does this flea-trap place have room service? No, not even a phone. Guess I'll have to use the one in the next room.  
  
{CUT TO SCENE ONE HOUR LATER, MOM ANSWERS DOOR. STANDING THERE IS A PIZZA DELIVERY MAN}  
  
MOM: (TO DELIVERY MAN) What? No I did not order a pizza! And I certainly would never ask you to climb to the roof and deliver it to the window! Who would...oh no. CAAAAAALLLLVIIIIIINNNNN!!!!  
  
END OF SCENE THREE  
  
START SCENE FOUR  
  
{SCENE OPENS ON A SATURDAY MORNING WITH CALVIN AND HOBBES SITTING IN TREE. CALVIN HAS PAPER AND PENCIL}  
  
CALVIN: Hobbes, look in her window and tell me what Susie is doing in there while I write this article.  
  
HOBBES: Are you sure this is Susie's room? I don't see her in there.  
  
CALVIN: Of course it is. Who else would have Fluffy-Bunny curtains? Now keep your eyes peeled for her.  
  
HOBBES: But I don't see why...wait a minute there she is!  
  
CALVIN: HA! See I told you! Now you tell me what she's doing while I write this article...  
  
HOBBES: Okay. It looks like she's wearing pajamas.  
  
CALVIN: Describe the pajamas.  
  
HOBBES: They have pictures of little angels on them...  
  
CALVIN: (WRITING AND YELLING WORDS AS HE SCRIBBLES) LOCAL NEIGHBOR GIRL BECOMES UNIFORMED CULT MEMBER! WORSHIPS STRANGE ANGELIC DEITY!  
  
HOBBES: She's opening her closet.  
  
CALVIN: CULT GIRL HIDES SACRIFICED HUMAN SKELETAL REMAINS IN CLOSET! VIEWS THEM WITH SICKENING PRIDE EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!  
  
HOBBES: Looks like she's pulling something out...yes, she's getting some little dolls!  
  
CALVIN: LOCAL CULT GIRL SHRINKS SACRIFICIAL REMAINS WITCHDOCTOR-STYLE! KEEPS THEM ON SHELF IN CLOSET!!  
  
HOBBES: Now she's bringing out a little table...  
  
CALVIN: SACRIFICIAL PEDESTAL TOO SMALL FOR ADULTS! THIS SICK MONSTER ONLY SLAUGHTERS CHILDREN!  
  
HOBBES: She's putting little teacups on the table. And she's seating the little dolls around the table in front of the cups.  
  
CALVIN: TINY SHRUNKEN PEOPLE STILL ALIVE! PRAYING FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH, THEY ARE FORCED TO DRINK OWN SACRIFICIAL BLOOD FROM TINY RITUALISTIC GOBLETS!  
  
HOBBES: Now Susie's sitting in a chair at the end of the table. She's talking to the dolls.  
  
CALVIN: CULT WITCH-GIRL MOCKS TORTURED SHRUNKEN PEOPLE, TAUNTING THEM WITH EVERY AGONIZING BREATH!  
  
HOBBES: Hey Calvin, it sounds like these are all headlines. When are you going to get to the main body of the story?  
  
CALVIN: IDIOT TIGER MOCKS REPORTING SKILLS OF LOCAL TOWN HERO! GETS NO CREDIT FOR BRINGING EVIL CULT-GIRL TO JUSTICE!  
  
END OF SCENE FOUR  
  
START SCENE FIVE  
  
{FADE IN - CALVIN IN CLASSROOM}  
  
MISS WORMWOOD: Class, can I get everybody's attention? The results of the newspaper article contest are in!  
  
CALVIN: (THOUGHT BUBBLE) Ooh, I can't wait! Soon the Uber-Sprayer 2005 will be mine! Will there be a picture of the winner in the paper? Maybe they'll let me pose with the Uber-Sprayer!  
  
MISS WORMWOOD: (Reading paper) And honorable mention goes to...Oh my! It's Calvin!  
  
CALVIN: (Gets up from desk, walking to front smiling) Thank you!! Thank you! Hold your applause, everyone. Oh, I should've prepared a speech! Heh heh! Anyway, I'll be taking that $30.00 now. And I'd like to thank this class for inspiring me, especially Susie Derkins! Susie, I'll have an early copy of the winning article delivered to your house. I think you'll like it! Heh heh. Now everybody, drinks are on me! Just file out to the drinking fountain one at a time, and we'll...  
  
MISS WORMWOOD: Er, Calvin, the "honorable mention" award is not the winner. Actually, your article won the "best humorous article" category, which does not even qualify you for the $30 award. However, because of your obvious effort and honorable mention, you will receive an "A" for this paper! Isn't that great?  
  
CALVIN: (SPEAKING MEEKLY) Um, er, I didn't win? Honorable mention doesn't win? But it's gotta count for something...isn't there a second-place award? Like 10 bucks?  
  
MISS WORMWOOD: Calvin, there's only one reward, and that goes to...(READING PAPER) Susie Derkins, for her paper titled "Living My Life Next Door to a Strange Voyeuristic Idiot". Good job Susie!!  
  
{SUSIE STANDS UP FRONT WITH CALVIN, WORMWOOD HANDS SUSIE THE $30 DOLLAR CERTIFICATE}  
  
SUSIE: Thank you Miss Wormwood! Writing this article was a pleasure! (SUSIE LOOKS AT CALVIN SMUGLY, CALVIN LOOKS SAD)  
  
MISS WORMWOOD: And now I would like to express how impressed I was with all of your papers! I wish I could give out more $30.00 awards! And furthermore...(FADES OFF)  
  
CALVIN: (WHISPERING TO SUSIE) Psst! Susie! How would you like to go in on a squirt-gun time-share? Just a small investment of $29.95 gets you 50% ownership!  
  
END OF SCENE FIVE  
  
START SCENE SIX  
  
{OPENING OF SCENE: CALVIN AT DINNER TABLE. CALVIN LOOKS SAD, PLAYING WITH FOOD}  
  
MOM: ...So, um, Calvin. Your teacher called today. She said she was very proud of the "A" you got this morning for your article!  
  
CALVIN:(says nothing, looks sadder)  
  
DAD: She says it's your first A in anything this school year! Isn't that great?  
  
CALVIN:...yeah I guess so.  
  
MOM: Look Calvin, I know you wanted that squirt-gun, but you should realize that there are more important things in life than toys. Like making your parents very proud, which we are!  
  
DAD: Yeah Calvin. I gotta say you really surprised us AND Miss Wormwood with that paper! Heck I could never write like that.  
  
CALVIN: Really? Heh heh, yeah in the end even Hobbes said he liked it. I guess it was a pretty good paper, huh?  
  
MOM: Pretty Good?! Do you realize you beat out an entire class for honorable mention? Miss Wormwood said nobody in her class EVER won in that category!  
  
CALVIN: Really she said that??(Smiling)  
  
MOM: Yes she did. Hey listen, I can see you're finished with your meal, what do you say we bring out desert early! I made your favorite! (Goes to the kitchen to get desert)  
  
CALVIN: Really? Oh boy, I have so many favorites, which one? Chocolate- covered-chocolate squares? Nutty-nut clusters in caramel? Oh boy! What is it??  
  
MOM: (COMING OUT OF KITCHEN) It's this!!! (Squirts Calvin at table with Uber-Sprayer 2005)  
  
CALVIN: (GETTING SPRAYED) AHHHHH!!! WHA THE... THAT'S...THAT'S THE UBER- SPRAYER 2005! WHEN DID YOU GET THAT?? I DIDN'T... BUT I THOUGHT...  
  
DAD: (SMILING) We decided that for your first "A" you deserved something special.  
  
MOM: (HANDING CALVIN SQUIRT GUN) Congratulations Calvin! You are now owner of an A paper and an Uber-Sprayer! Use your new power wisely!  
  
CALVIN: (HUGGING MOM, HOLDING SQUIRT-GUN) SNIFF ER... thanks Mom. Thanks Dad. I don't...I don't know what to say...SNIFF...  
  
DAD: Just do us one favor Calvin. NEVER write a paper about us!  
  
END 


End file.
